How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

For woman, jealousy arises from competition, comparison, and the fear of losing a good boyfriend. In reality, women are prone to be more jealous than men in many types of situations. They seem to have more emotional jealousy than sexual jealousy.

In accordance with evolutionary scientists, jealousy in a woman might originate from a demand to keep their partner to warrant support for their children. Men seem more upset by sexual infidelity as they could not be sure that a child their partner might later produce is theirs while women are more upset by emotional infidelity. Of course, they do not have to wonder about the baby being theirs.

Emotional vs. Sexual Jealousy

In comparison with men, women will be more likely to get jealous by the thought of their partner falling in love with another woman. It is because for a woman, the partner who becomes emotionally involved with someone else will give his time, money and protection, which should be given to her or her children, to another woman. Emotional jealousy alleviates in older women, probably as they passed the child-bearing age.

The more jealous that a woman feels, the less he will behave or function appropriately. In fact, women seem more jealous of other women in regard to physical attractiveness.

The following parts in this article released by WikiYeah.com will show you some signs of jealousy in a woman in a relationship. In details, we will reveal signs that a woman gives away her jealousy.

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

11 Subtle Signs Of Jealousy In A Woman In A Relationship To Watch For

1. She Feels Insecure

It is not necessary to say that a jealous girlfriend will be a little insecure, similar to a jealous boyfriend. She will continually track your actions to know your friends, colleagues, and people who talk to you. Even, she might stalk them in order to know how their relationships with you are.

2. She Asks For Validation Constantly

If a woman constantly asks their boyfriend: “Do you really love me?”, “Do you think I am pretty?”, etc, then it is one of signs of jealousy in a woman. You should be prepared to answer such questions every now and then. Your woman needs the validation from you for nearly everything in her life. She is desperate to know how much you love her.

3. She Cannot Leave You Alone When There Is Another Woman Around

This is one of sure-fire signs of jealousy in a woman. A jealous girlfriend will not stop thinking that you are talking to another woman, even if she is a friend or a colleague. She will not completely trust you and may get agitated when seeing you talking to other women.

4. She Cannot Take Criticism

This subtle sign of jealousy in a woman is often skipped. Even when the man tries to calm her down and puts his effort in making her understand about her mistakes, she still does not listen to him. She may get angry or pick a fight to change the topic.

5. She Looks Through Her Boyfriend’s Phone

A jealous girlfriend will breach her partner’s privacy without his allowance. She keeps checking his phone and browsing history in order to keep an eye on him.

6. She Needs To Have The Last Word

When fighting or having a heated conversation, she tries to make sure that she will always have the last word, meaning that she has the upper hand in the relationship.

7. She Is Defensive

When it comes to signs of jealousy in a woman, being defensive is a subtle sign. That girl will take everything as a criticism. The defensiveness becomes her default mode, though you do not do or say anything triggering such reaction.

Maybe, she reads too much innocent statements, so she accuse you of trying to do which you were never meant.

8. She Constantly Reminds You Of Your Mistakes

This is one of little known signs of jealousy in a woman. A jealous girlfriend seems to never really forget or forgive her partner’s mistakes. Also, she keeps reminding him about even the smallest mistake in the past of her boyfriend. She does that to manipulate him in her way.

9. She Always Suspects Of Her Partner

If a girl always accuses her boyfriend of cheating, then it is one of signs of jealousy in a woman. She often thinks that he leaves her to be with someone else. Besides, she blames him for lying to her without giving any practical proof. This makes him feel that his relationship is not based on trust.

10. She Is Materialistic

The reasons leading to jealousy are diversifying, and the love of materialistic pleasures is among. A jealous girlfriend may become materialistic by picking the type of things which do not actually matter.

11. She Makes Her Partner Feel Insecure Or Guilty

A girl if making her partner feel guilty for spending his time with other people, be it his family members or friends, may secretly show her jealousy through such an action. Actually, she has an insecurity issue. One characteristic of insecure people is their attempt of making other insecure.

She becomes too clingy. Because she has invested her own too heavily in the relationship, she becomes dependent on you in her life for company. That girl does not seek for other people’s validation, except from you.

A woman who acts or behaves like that will drive a wedge between her partner and his family as well as friends. She forces him to choose between them and her.

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

A relationship has never been a smooth sailing boat out in the open sea. Lots of instances and scenarios, expected or not, crop up and will eventually shake the very foundation of your relationship. Jealousy is one of them; and if left unchecked, it might ruin the relationship faster than you think.

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

Jealousy In A Relationship

What is jealousy?

Jealous is an act which reflects your emotions, thoughts and feeling when you get insecure over someone or something that you view as a rival in your relationship. This might refer to colleagues at work, friends or even past relationships of your partner that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

This is often attributed to the paranoia that our partner is seeing someone else, or someone is trying to grab your partner’s attention away from you. Jealousy has been a common reason why heated arguments and petty fights occur in a relationship. According to studies, a majority of relationship blame jealousy as their reason for having split up with their partners. Keeping this in mind could possible change your mind on what these paranoia over your partner can do in your hard-earned relationship.

Why get jealous?

Most often, jealousy happen in a relation due to the lack of trust that you have for each other. When you don’t trust your partner’s commitment, you will automatically feel jealous when they are with someone, either at work or personal. We automatically assume that our partner is up to no good, or having affair behind our backs.

Another reason why we get jealous is when our partner spends so much time on other things, like business or friends, rather than with you. We usually feel insecure over the fact that our partners are enjoying having fun outside or at work, than with your company. Even though this reason can be very silly to become jealous, it is still prevalent among couples.

Due to misunderstanding

Honestly, jealousy usually rears it ugly head when there are misunderstanding between partners. We often feel frustrated when we don’t know what our partners are doing when their not with our company; we often jump to conclusions and create scenarios in our mind which often leads us to wrong decisions and actions that might affect the relationship.

Such wrong decisions including pressuring our partner by piling up restrictions that will anger them since you are being unreasonable. They might also misunderstand you since you suddenly changed without knowing why.

Heading it off before it starts

When you feel jealous over something, make sure that you immediately open it up with your partner to clarify things. It’s best to keep the conversation open and immediately voice out why you are having such anxiety over actions. If he or she knows why you are feeling jealous then they can definitely do something about it to lessen your emotional burden and head off possible arguments in the future.

Understanding what jealousy really is and why it happens in a relationship is the best way to arm yourself to further protect the harmony of your life with your partner.

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

Depending on your uniquely calibrated emotional Richter scale, jealousy can register as a blip or an earthquake. Some people thrill from the fierce possessiveness that jealousy elicits, while others bristle at what they perceive as a lack of trust.

Most experts agree that jealousy is a natural reaction that, when exacerbated, can quickly result in irrational, damaging behavior. While people in monogamous relationships grapple with their fair share of insecurity, jealousy in an open relationship can assume complex, surprising forms.

Many non-monogamous partners feel unnecessarily stigmatized and guilty during bouts of jealousy. There’s that saying about heat and a kitchen for a reason, right?

Not quite. Wendy-O Matik, author of Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships and spokesperson for non-monogamous couples, says most people feel some jealousy regardless of the structure of their relationships. Phew!

With that in mind, here are five steps to keep couples sane and happy during an attack of the green-eyed monster.

1. Lose the stigma.

People living in open relationships often feel guilty and disappointed in themselves for being vulnerable to jealousy. Jealousy can seem like a personal failure or compromising agent because, hey, you signed up for a relationship that allows you both to date other people.

“People in non-monogamous relationships can feel pressured to deny or bury their jealousy just because they think it’s wrong to feel that way,” Matik says. “Instead, we should say, ‘Yep, I’m jealous, and it feels really awful.’ Denying it, of course, will just make it get worse.”

2. Set guidelines — and stick to them.

“Open” doesn’t necessarily translate to “no rules.” Articulate boundaries so that both you and your partner know the limits to each other’s permissiveness.

Maybe it’s okay to spend the weekend with someone else, but the primary pair should be home Sunday night. A couple might insist on always sleeping in the same bed at the end of the night, or being able to meet a partner’s new love interest first.

If guidelines are laid down in the beginning, there’s less opportunity to accidentally snag a jealousy trip wire.

3. Take care of yourself.

Matik emphasizes the necessity of personal responsibility and self-soothing activities in open relationships.

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“We can’t expect our partners to take care of all our needs — everyone needs a way to calm themselves down. Maybe your plan is to call your best friend, or take a hot bath, or rent a funny movie; but you have to know how to deal with jealousy without leaning on your partner all the time.”

As in all healthy individuals, the ability to cope with jealousy in an open relationship demands a personal wellspring of confidence that doesn’t hinge on your partner’s love.

4. Reassure each other.

Declarations of jealousy should always be met with respect and understanding — ignoring or belittling someone else’s fears will only magnify them. And while soothing words might blunt jealousy’s edges during face-to-face time, verbal promises can fall flat when during a period of separation.

Couples who make frequent gestures to express their commitment — doing small favors, staying sexually active and creative, sticking to date nights, honoring boundaries — will be better equipped to date other people and still feel secure in their primary relationship.

5. Understand that there is an upside to jealousy.

Matik views jealousy as a “guidepost emotion”—where an exploration of its causes can yield deeper self-awareness.

“Someone who gets jealous when their partner leaves for a date might discover it’s because of an abandonment issue they had as a child, which is a situation that happened long before they met their partner. As soon as someone knows why they feel jealous, they’re less likely to feel afraid.”

Pinpointing the rational roots of a frequently irrational emotion can often squelch the worst elements of jealousy — paranoia, lack of perspective, alienation, and co-dependency. Set aside time for personal reflection, schedule an appointment with a therapist, or simply bring it up with your partner.

All relationships — but especially open relationships — might do well to expect jealousy as inevitable but surmountable, human but certainly not invincible. Matik, one of the most prominent members of the non-monogamous community, writes off the idea of a perfect, jealousy-free union.

“Jealousy will probably happen at some point. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong or flawed with the relationship. What matters is that we love each other more than we dislike the things that make us jealous.”

Wendy-O Matik offers classes and counseling on radical love. Visit her website for touring information.

How to defeat “the green-eyed monster.”

Posted Sep 26, 2013

THE BASICS

  • Understanding Jealousy
  • Find a therapist near me

Jealousy is a complex emotion encompassing feelings that range from fear of rejection, loss and abandonment, to humiliation, anguish, and even rage. In essence, jealousy strikes when a person perceives a third-party threat to a valued relationship (which distinguishes it from envy, which involves desire of things, status, or position someone else has).

Jealousy is a tricky, two-edged emotional sword because, in small amounts, it can serve to protect important relationships by motivating people to be attentive and act desirably. In large amounts, however, jealousy is often very corrosive to relationships and can even give rise to violence that can utterly destroy them.

As suggested above, people do not express jealousy through a single emotion or a single behavior. Rather, they express it through diverse emotions and behaviors. Nevertheless, looking at it through a higher magnification, the common experience of jealousy for most people usually involves: Fear of losing a romantic partner or other important person to another person; suspicion and anger about a perceived or potential betrayal; diminished self-esteem and sadness over perceived loss; anxiety, uncertainty and loneliness; and distrust.

The tragic irony of excessive or irrational jealousy is that can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. For example, if a jealous person starts to express his or her suspicions, they will often be met with denial or defensiveness. These, often truthful, defensive responses can easily be viewed as confirmation of one’s suspicions despite the fact that defensiveness is a natural response when people are placed under pressure to justify their actions, whereabouts and thoughts. Indeed, being constantly questioned about what you’re doing, where you’re going, who you’re meeting, and where you’ve been is tiring, disparaging and quickly demoralizing. Most people feel squeezed, controlled, badgered, and angry by a jealousy-driven interrogation and their reactions of impatience, frustration, irritation and anger are not confirmations of guilt. Rather, they are signs that the person has reached the end of their rope by having to constantly defend his or her genuine, innocent actions. Eventually, due to its corrosive effects, the jealous behavior that was originally motivated by the fear of losing a significant partner can ultimately lead to that very outcome. Not because the other person actually had an intimate, sexual, or romantic interest in another person but because the relentless drumbeat of jealous questioning, suspicion and distrust compel to other person to take flight and leave the relationship!

So, what is the antidote for jealousy?

First, deal with your feelings right away instead of avoiding or denying them. Learn to question your jealousy every time that it emerges. For example, say to yourself: “Is this jealousy because I feel afraid or angry? Why am I feeling fear or anger here?” When you begin to question what makes you jealous in the moment, you can begin to take positive steps to manage the feelings constructively, without the cloud of negative emotion that typically accompanies jealousy. Some other questions to ask yourself include:

“What is making me jealous?”

“What am I afraid of losing?”

“What am I trying to keep?”

“Why do I feel threatened?”

Next, carefully evaluate any false beliefs that might be fueling your jealousy. There are often false, baseless beliefs that underlie reactions of jealousy. If you examine the belief, you can often reduce the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs usually without basis include “I’m not good enough for him/her,” or “If this person leaves me, I’ll never cope,” or “I’ll never find anyone else and be all alone.” In most instances, these notions are not grounded in truth and reflect what many therapists refer to as overgeneralizing or catastrophizing. Be aware that your thoughts can happen so quickly that you don’t even realize consciously that they’ve occurred. Then, try to pinpoint actual proof of the belief’s validity and also evidence that contradicts the jealous thoughts. Developing greater awareness of your thoughts and what triggers them is a large part of solving the problem.

Also, make sure to act respectfully, trustingly, and affectionately toward your partner despite feeling suspicious and insecure. This is because, as I often state, action strongly influences thoughts and feelings. When we act insecurely we’re likely to feel more jealous and when we act securely in our relationships, we are more likely to feel better.

Finally, discuss your jealousy problem with your significant other. Sharing your true feelings with the other person, and talking it through can be a very cathartic and constructive way to avoid serious relationship damage. When talking through your jealous feelings, take heed of the following:

  • Avoid blaming the other person. His or her behavior is not the cause of your feelings—you are responsible for your feelings.
  • Stick to “I” statements rather than “You” statements. Thus, instead of saying “You shouldn’t have done that,” or “You made me feel…” say instead, “I felt terrible when that incident happened.”
  • Be aware that how you perceive situations may be completely at odds with how the other person saw them. Stay as open-minded as possible, even though this will probably mean that you sometimes feel extremely defensive. Do your best to keep quiet and listen rather than constantly butting in with justifications.
  • As difficult as it can be, empathize with your partner. Really try to put yourself in his or her shoes and imagine what it must be like for him or her dealing with you and your jealousy.

In most cases, this won’t be a single conversation. You’ll need to agree to keep coming back to talking any time the “green-eyed monster” gets out of hand again.

Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

I never knew how to deal with jealous people until I realized how ugly the emotion can be. Jealousy can be a beast, turning you into a toxic person.

I know jealousy is wrong, but I was also a part of the problem. Who am I fooling, I can still be a little jealous at times. I’m not proud of what I am, but I do learn things about myself every day and about others. I also learn how to deal with jealous people and the toxic imprint that they leave behind.

What’s beneath the surface?

Why are people jealous? Have you ever wondered what drove them to feel this way? Well, I have and I know some reasons why. People are jealous because of a couple things. Maybe they feel inadequate or they could be reacting to being neglected as well.

There are just so unfair to make assumptions either way. What we really want to know is how to deal with jealous people. This is not easy.

How to deal with jealous people. Do you know?

Well, I guess you get a small grasp of why people act the way they do, but what about how to deal with them? The truth is, you can do this in several ways. Most importantly, never develop hate in your heart when learning how to deal with jealous people. Here’s how to safeguard yourself.

1. Delete them

If jealous people are stalking your social media and you start to have confrontations, then make them go away. No, I’m not suggesting violence. I mean, delete them from your social media page. Block them from sending messages or commenting on any of your posts.

It’s just that simple. You will not have to deal with toxic and jealous “haters” if they do not exist in your internet world. In fact, it never hurts to cull your friends’ list as a start. Most of the time you never even associate with half of them.

2. Face them

Another way to deal with jealous people is to face them head-on. Now, I don’t mean you should be rude or highly confrontational, rather, I mean, just talk. If a jealous person is willing to discuss why they don’t like you or why they give you a hard time, then you might be able to get to the root of the problem Although this method doesn’t always work, it’s a start and you won’t be ignoring the problem and sweeping it under the rug for next time.

3. Boost yourself

When someone is hating you for no reason, remind yourself that they are the problem, not you. They are the ones who concocted the scenario where you are the enemy.

If you have a clear conscious, then you can feel liberated during their self-bondage. Keep giving yourself pep talks and resist the urge to feel guilty for making someone feel jealous.

4. Be yourself and be positive

No matter how ugly the situation may get, keep being you. Do not change to suit the appetite of others and do not strive to placate them and their fears. Not to say you cannot be kind, just don’t fall into their hate trap. Stay positive and eventually, it will rub off on them.

5. Make a connection

Sometimes spending time with jealous people sends a message to them of compassion. If they are jealous of you or something you have, then offer to share your time or something else of value with them.

In some cases, this helps them understand that you are human just like they are, and you’re willing to sacrifice time to make peace with them.

6. Ignore them

Unfortunately, sometimes all you can do is ignore a jealous person who has a toxic influence on your life.

If you don’t see any improvements when you try to make a connection or confront them, then you should just let their poisonous words and actions go right past you. After a while of ignoring these things, the jealous person might realize that their tactics aren’t working.

How to deal with a jealous person when the jealous person is you

Sometimes, it’s true, the jealous person is you. How do you deal with your negative behavior without losing who you are in inside? How do you preserve your standards and morals while trying to keep an open mind?

Jealousy rears its ugly head and flashes its green eyes to show that it just won’t tolerate something being taken from it. Insecurity and fear will fuel jealousy in the best of us and we must learn to resist.

I think it’s about picking our fights carefully and choosing to put our foot down on our own toxic behavior. This works the same if it’s us or someone else.

Only then can we truly learn how to deal with jealous people, and in turn, learn to deal with the raging beast within ourselves.

Jealousy and love go hand in hand. At least that’s what we’ve been led to believe. Unfortunately, the causes of jealousy have little to do with love and more to do with insecure attachments we create in our childhoods.

If you are struggling with jealous behaviors in your relationship, you should start with uncovering the core reason for your jealousy. One of the ways to go about building trust in a relationship is to attend an intensive workshop for couples. This is a great way to better understand your behavioral patterns, whether you’re experiencing problems with low self esteem or have a tendency to lie to yourself about the relationship.

In this article, you will learn what typically causes jealousy and how you can overcome your insecurities that lead to being jealous. Read on.

What Is The Root Cause Of Jealousy?

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

Jealousy is an emotional response to being afraid of losing someone or something we consider ours. It is typically accompanied by feelings of exclusion and abandonment. But why are some of us more prone to jealousy than others? What causes jealousy in the first place?

Just like with many other behavioral patterns, such as being dishonest in relationships or experiencing codependent and/or controlling behavior, jealousy stems from our early childhood and the attachment we create with our parents or primary caregivers. If your need for affection is not met during your childhood, you can develop a deep insecurity which gives rise to jealousy and influences all of your adult relationships.

Jealousy is also closely intertwined with abandonment issues. A child whose emotional needs are not met is likely to develop obsessive and jealous behavioral traits, mimicking the dynamics they experienced in childhood in their adult relationships.

Is Jealousy A Sign Of Love Or Insecurity?

Although many seem to think that jealousy is a sign of love, it is insecurity that is the key factor behind jealous behaviors. While a little bit of jealousy is perfectly normal in some relationships, it can cause a great deal of harm unless it’s kept under control. Here are some insecure traits that may cause jealousy in your relationship:

  • Low self esteem
  • Dependency
  • Neuroticism
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Anxious attachment

If you or your partner are exhibiting jealous behaviors, you should always keep in mind that jealousy is all about the person experiencing it. That is why understanding the core wounds and insecurities and expressing them openly is essential for creating meaningful and stable relationships.

Is Jealousy A Symptom Of Anxiety?

Just like with many other areas in your life, anxiety can have a detrimental effect on your romantic relationships. In fact, anxiety, particularly its paranoid aspects, can be closely linked to jealousy.

If you are dealing with anxiety, it is very likely that you are prone to overthinking. You think and worry about the past, present, and future constantly. These negative thoughts can cause a wide range of issues in your relationships, including:

Anxiety can lead you to imagine all of the worst ways your relationship can go. Even if you and your partner are getting along great, you may imagine that they are cheating or planning to break up with you.

Fear of abandonment

Similarly, your anxious thoughts can convince you that your partner will leave you because of your anxiety or because they found somebody else who is better than you.

Feeling that you’re not good enough

you may be jealous because you feel deep down that you’re not worthy or lovable. Low self esteem is one of the primary causes of jealousy and its results can often be exacerbated in anxious individuals.

How Do I Stop Being Jealous And Insecure?

Although jealousy may be deeply rooted, it can be overcome, if not entirely eradicated. Here’s how you can deal with jealous behaviors in your relationship:

Communicate

Suppressing angry or otherwise unpleasant feelings is rarely the way to go. Make sure to express your jealousy openly and calmly to your partner, enabling them to see why you feel the way you do. Being open about the less pleasant aspects of relationships such as jealousy is key to creating stable and harmonious connections.

De-Stress

As we’ve already mentioned, anxiety and stress are closely linked to jealousy. This is why meditation, good diet, and physical exercise can help keep your stress levels low and prevent jealous outbursts. Make sure to give yourself time to wind down on a regular basis.

Seek Reassurance

Of course, constantly asking your partner if they love you is not the best way to overcome your jealousy. Nevertheless, you should be honest with your partner as well as try to understand their perspective. If they are willing to understand you, they may be able to reassure you to some extent and make you feel more secure.

Focus On Yourself

Picking up a hobby and spending time with friends can help you divert your attention from your partner and curb your jealousy in the process. Make sure to set enough time aside to do the things that interest you and don’t require the presence of your partner.

Remind Yourself Of Your Worth

Jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person – far from it. In order to overcome your jealous traits, you need to understand why you are the way you are. You can do this by uncovering and analyzing your core emotional wound and realizing that you are much more than just your anxiety and jealousy.

Reach Out to Experts

If you can’t get your jealous behaviours under control, your relationship is bound to suffer. Luckily, you can rely on experienced relationship coaches to help you overcome jealousy and create healthier emotional attachments.

PIVOT Couple Workshop: Your Best Choice For Deepening A Relationship

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationships

Overcoming jealousy is necessary for creating harmonious relationships. At PIVOT, we strive to provide individuals and couples with knowledge and support that will enable them to understand their emotional attachments and curb jealous behaviors.

Whether you choose to find support in our intensive couple workshops or try to deal with your jealousy through our knowledge-based individual coaching sessions, rest assured that our PIVOT Advocates will help you find peace and balance in your emotional life. Contact us today!

How to deal with insecurity and jealousy in relationshipsHave you ever thought about what jealousy does to healthy relationships?

Have you found yourself resentful when a friend or someone you know has achieved something that you had desired to accomplish for yourself?

Or, have you merely been resentful that another person was getting the credit for what you feel you should be getting.

Jealousy Is A Real and Powerful Emotion

Jealousy produces an extreme amount of negative feelings.

If you are jealous you may experience feelings that are

  • resentful,
  • angry,
  • envious or
  • anxious.

These feelings can lead to

  • depression,
  • loneliness,
  • sadness and
  • physical illness.

If jealousy is a driving fuel in your life, you may also experience a sense of being excluded. Envy can also produce a mentality of feeling powerless.

Simply stated, jealousy of any type is created from a sense of personal insecurity and poor self-esteem. It comes from a way of thinking that evolves when we feel that someone or a situation is perceived as a threat.

It can also grow out of thinking that we have lost our status or place in life.

When someone is going through jealous emotions, they often do not handle their feelings well.

A suspicious person does not take the time to think through why they feel the way they do. Instead, they will engage in adolescent and immature behavior. This type of behavior is fueled by attitudes of vengeful or vindictive behavior.

The Bible Teaches What Jealousy Does

In the Old Testament book of Genesis, the Bible teaches that Adam and Eve’s son Abel was “a keeper of the flock” while his brother Cain was “a tiller of the ground.”

On one occasion the two brothers brought offerings to the Lord, and the Lord showed favor for what Abel brought to offer him, but He did not show favor for what Cain brought. (Genesis 4:3-5)

Why did this happen?

In Genesis 4:6-7 God explained why he took Abel’s offering above Cain’s.

Abel brought the very best of his animals to sacrifice them to the Lord, Cain brought some of his crops, not the very best of the crop. The Lord even explained to Cain why he responded the way he did to Abel.

“Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” (Genesis 4:6-7)

When Cain heard these words, jealousy evolved!

It is evident from this scripture that “jealousy” was at work in Cain’s heart.

The jealousy was creating anger within his heart, and the Creator saw it. If jealousy had not dominated Cain’s heart, God told him that his “countenance” would be lifted up.

In other words, jealousy is obvious, and it was showing on Cain’s face.

Jealousy Is Not Easily Hidden

Jealousy shows itself in strong and powerful ways.

It manifested itself so strongly in the life and heart of Cain that “when they were in the field, …Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.” (Genesis 4:8)

How are you dealing with jealousy?

It can be an overwhelming emotion!

Is there a situation or a person in your life that is producing a jealous spirit within your heart?

Never underestimate the power of having a jealous heart.

It can be one of the most destructive emotions you have. The Lord told Cain that his problem was a matter of getting his hearts right. (Genesis 4:6-7) This is the case for anyone dealing with jealousy.

If one is to overcome jealousy, it must begin within their heart.

How is your attitude when it comes to dealing with jealousy?

Is it dominating your thinking?

Do you see it as dangerous?

Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions in the heart of any man or woman. However, it can be overcome through the power and strength of the Holy Spirit! James wrote in his epistle to the early New Testament church,

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.” (James 3:16-17)

Jealousy makes us paranoid that our friends and partners will abandon us, disturbing our relationships and causing us to completely lose peace of mind. The more jealous and possessive we are, the more we drive others away. Realizing that we all have the capacity to love an enormous number of people and things helps us to overcome jealousy. Having love for our friends, professions, sport and so on does not diminish either our partner’s love for us or ours for them; in fact, it enriches it.

Jealousy vs Envy

Jealousy can take several forms. If we’re single and feel jealous of a couple or attracted to someone who’s already in a relationship, it’s actually envy. We wish we could receive the person’s affection and attention instead, or we wish that we could have such a loving relationship. In both cases, we’re envious about something we lack, and this can bring up feelings of inadequacy and other self-esteem issues.

Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy when we’re in a relationship can be even more disturbing. Rather than focusing on what another person has, it focuses on our partner or friend and a third person; we’re usually scared that we will lose our special relationship to the third person. We become intolerant of any rivalry or of possible unfaithfulness. For example, we feel jealous if our partner spends a lot of time with their own friends or attends events without us. Even a dog feels this type of jealousy when a new baby arrives in the house. This form of jealousy contains elements of resentment and hostility in addition to strong elements of insecurity and mistrust.

If we’re insecure, then whenever our partner or friend is with other people, we start to feel jealous. This is because we’re unsure of our own self-worth, and insecure about the other person’s love for us, leading us to not trust our partner. We fear that we’ll be abandoned. It’s possible to have this fear even if our partner or friend doesn’t spend time with anyone else at all. With extreme possessiveness, we’re paranoid that they could leave us any moment.

Overcoming Jealousy

To deal with jealousy, we need to reflect on how the heart has the capacity to love everyone – this is one aspect of our Buddha-nature. When we reaffirm this fact, it helps us to overcome jealousy by seeing that loving one person does not exclude loving others. Just think about ourselves and how we can open our own hearts to so many people and things. [See: What Is Love?] With open hearts, we have love for our partner, friends, children, pets, parents, country, nature, God, hobbies and so on. There’s room in our hearts for all of them because love is not exclusive. We’re perfectly capable of dealing with and relating to all these objects of our love, expressing our feelings in manners appropriate to each object. Of course, we don’t express our love and affection to our dog in the same way as we express it to our wife or husband or parents!

If we ourselves can have an open heart, so can our partner or friend. Everyone’s heart has the same capacity to extend love to an enormous number of people and things – even to the entire world. It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect and even demand that they have love only for us and never have other loving friendships or outside interests. Do we think so little of them that we feel they have no room in their hearts for both us and other people? Do we really want to deprive them of realizing their Buddha-nature capacities of love and, consequently, some of the greatest joys in life?

Here, we’re not talking about sexual infidelity. The issues of monogamy and sexual unfaithfulness are extremely complex and bring in many further issues. In any case, if our sexual partners, especially our marital spouses, are unfaithful or spend a great deal of time with others – especially when we have young children together – jealousy, resentment, and possessiveness are never helpful emotional responses. We need to deal with the situation in a sober manner, because yelling at our partners or trying to make them feel guilty hardly ever succeeds in making them love us.

Opening Our Hearts to Love

When we think that close loving friendships can only be with one person exclusively, we feel that there’s only one person – our partner or friend – whose love matters. Even if there are many others who love us, we tend to ignore that fact and think, “That doesn’t count.” Continually opening our hearts to as many others as possible and acknowledging the love that others – friends, relatives, pets, and so on – have for us now, have had in the past, and will have in the future helps us to feel more emotionally secure. This, in turn, helps us to overcome any fixation we may have on anyone being a special object of love.

Omniscience and all-loving both imply having everyone in our minds and hearts. Nevertheless, when a Buddha is focused on or with only one person, he or she is 100% concentrated on that person. Therefore, having love for everyone does not mean that love for each individual is diluted. We need not fear that if we open our hearts to many people, our personal relations will be less intense or fulfilling. We may cling less and be less dependent on any one relation to be all-satisfying, and we may spend less time with each individual, but each is a full involvement. The same is true in terms of others’ love for us when we’re jealous that it will be diluted because they also have loving friendships with others.

It’s unrealistic to think that any one person will be our perfect match, our “other half,” who will complement us in all ways and with whom we can share every aspect of our lives. Such ideas are based on the ancient Greek myth told by Plato that originally we were all wholes, who were split in two. Somewhere “out there” is our other half; and true love is when we find and reunite with our other halves. Although this myth became the foundation for Western romanticism, it does not refer to reality. To believe in it is like believing in the handsome prince who will come to rescue us on a white horse. We need loving friendships with many people in order to share all our interests and needs. If this is true of us, then it is also true of our partner and friends. It’s impossible for us to fulfill all their needs and so they too need other friendships.

Summary

When someone new comes into our lives, it is helpful to view them like a beautiful wild bird that has come to our window. If we are jealous that the bird also goes to other people’s windows so lock it up in a cage, it becomes so miserable that it’ll lose its luster and might even die. If, without possessiveness, we let the bird fly free, we can enjoy the wonderful time that the bird is with us. When the bird flies off, as is it’s right, it will be more apt to return if it feels safe with us. If we accept and respect that everyone has the right to have many close friendships, including ourselves, our relationships will be healthier and more long-lasting.

Updated on February 14, 2021 by Airyl Marie Dadula 1 Comment

Do you feel jealous when your partner seems too happy hanging around with his or her best friends? Do you feel jealous when you see your boyfriend or girlfriend being extra kind to other people? And, do you feel jealous when you see someone being touchy to your partner and yet your partner seems fine with it? It’s alright to feel jealous, especially if you have reasons to feel that way.

However, too much of anything is bad. While a bit of jealousy can spice up your relationship, a more serious one can cause a series of misunderstandings, fights, and frustrations.

So, you need to find ways to overcome jealousy in order to keep a satisfying and strong relationship with your partner. Here are some of them.

1. Admit that you’re jealous.
Sometimes, you refuse to admit that you’re jealous because you don’t want to look weak; it hurts your ego. However, you need to acknowledge what you’re feeling. You can ignore it, but you can’t always control what you feel. Next thing you know, you already break down because you can’t take it anymore. Hence, be honest to yourself, and admit that you are indeed feeling jealous.

2. Understand the reasons behind your jealousy.
Once you admit that you feel jealous, it’s time for you to understand the factors that made you feel this way. For instance, are you jealous because she’s too close to her boy best friend? Does she seem too friendly to everyone? Or, do you think she’s too perfect for you that you feel insecure and jealous when someone talks to her? Understand the rationale behind your jealousy for you to move on to the next step.

3. Communicate your feelings.
Once you’re able to understand your feeling, you can now talk to your partner about it. Stay calm while expressing your sentiments to avoid any misinterpretation or more serious complications. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may find it cute and feel that you really love him or her, but your partner may also think that you’re being unreasonable. Whatever the result is, take time to talk and listen to each other.

4. Take some form of compromise.
If one of you feels uncomfortable that you always hang out with your “girl” or “boy” friends, then you might need some form of compromise. Agree on what’s acceptable and what is not. If you hang out with friends every day, you might want to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend to tone the meetups down and be sensitive to each other’s feelings. Whatever you have talked about, make sure that it’s consensual.

5. Build more trust.
Meeting new people is inevitable for both of you. Hence, even if there are compromises, you can’t dictate what your boyfriend or girlfriend should and should not do. Rather, build more trust. Trust yourself and your partner. Even when you don’t see what he or she is doing, be confident that your partner will always think of you and how you would feel if he or she would do inappropriate things. Remember that relationships built on trust are the ones that last.

6. Stop overthinking.
Sometimes, overthinking becomes the core of your personality. However, remember that overthinking leads you to create problems that were actually non-existent. If you keep imagining things that your partner may be doing while he or she’s miles away from you, you might end up feeling mad, jealous, and even depressed. Also, your partner may find it tiring to always explain his or her side even when it’s not necessary. Hence, try to control what’s in your head. Think, but be rational.

7. Keep a journal.
While you’re at the peak of your emotions, you can’t just go to your partner and find yourself shouting at him or her because you can’t contain your jealousy. You need to calm down, and one way for you to do that is to write about your feelings. Channel your creativity, and surprise yourself. You may end up writing a beautiful piece out of your emotions.

8. Work on your insecurities.
While insecurity is not always the reason why a person gets jealous, it is one of the most common sources of jealousy. Be accountable, and work on your insecurities. Value yourself. Never think that you don’t deserve your boyfriend or girlfriend because he or she is too good for you. Remember, you are special, and you are amazing.

9. Use a different perspective.
Try to talk to your close friends, the ones you can trust. Share with them what you feel. Ask if you are being reasonable. Listen to their advice. It would be refreshing to hear another perspective outside of your relationship. You may end up seeing and realizing things that you have missed out on before.

10. Stop playing games.
Sometimes, out of anger, you become irrational, and you only want to take revenge to your partner for making you feel jealous. So, you end up doing things that will also make your boyfriend or girlfriend feel jealous. However, that’s not how you solve a problem. In fact, it will only make things worse. So, never play games with your partner. Rather, address the problem head-on.

11. Reaffirm your love for each other.
Sometimes, you tend to make quick decisions that you will later regret. Instead of bringing up breakup topics, why don’t you reaffirm your love for each other? Give your partner reassuring words. Be more affectionate. Surprise your partner in the most random ways that you can think of. Give your partner no reason to feel jealous at all.

12. Be mature.
Again, you’re an adult; act like one. You can’t just ditch your partner because he or she did not follow what you wanted him or her to do. You know you are better than that, and you know that there are always ways to fix the problems in your relationship.

Indeed, nothing worth having comes easy. There are times that your relationship will be tested; jealousy is just one of these challenges. But, remember that your love is stronger. It will prevail.

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  • Turning Jealousy into Gold:
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