How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

Searching for a life partner or soul mate? Get to know yourself first.

How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

The love of your life. Your soul mate. Your life partner. That special someone. Whether we admit it or not, many of us are seeking to find our perfect complement. We crave having someone by our side who will love us through our moments of imperfection, and share the memories of our lives with us. We’ve seen enough movies about it, so it must be possible, right?

Love is no fairy tale, so you can stop looking for a perfect “10” who fulfills all the qualifications on your wish list. It is possible, however, to find someone to stand by your side, brave the messiness of the world, and help you experience life to its fullest potential.

How do you set the foundation to attract this kind of love in your life? Here are 5 secrets to get you started:

  1. Be authentic. To find real love, you must first emphasize your true self. If you want someone to love you through your moments of imperfection, you must first be willing to do that for someone else. Be real with yourself, so you are ready for someone else’s authenticity.

What really makes you happy? What do you really want out of life? It’s easy to get caught in a pattern of pleasing others, and doing what seems popular or “normal” at the time. If you shift your personality, passions, or purpose to appease another person, you are not being your true self. People are attracted to authenticity. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and learn to act and speak authentically.
Be your best self. Though opposites can attract, you must first understand that “like attracts like.” You set the caliber for the individual you want to spend your life with. You wouldn’t look for a lethargic, gluttonous, stingy complainer with ketchup stains on their shirt, so identify ways to clean up your own act first.

Do you want to spend your days with a healthy person who takes care of their body? Then lace up those sneakers and get to the gym yourself! Do you want to surround yourself with a person who sees the best in people and situations? Then stop complaining! Do you want to find someone who strives to live each day with grace, joy, purpose. and integrity? You get the idea. . .
Be confident. Be confident in yourself, your decisions, and your ability to attract love into your life. If you are being your authentic, best self, this confidence will radiate from you in a glow of self-worth. You will attract someone who recognizes, appreciates, and loves who you are.

Foster this confidence by knowing that you are whole and complete just by being you. Understand that a soul mate is nice to have, but not a must-have. You, alone, are enough.

  • Be open. If your desire is to meet someone new, then you must be willing to connect and open up with the people around you. If someone next to you in the coffee line strikes up a conversation, be willing to engage. Even if that person is not to be the love of your life, practice openness anyway. Developing this energy of openness will help you facilitate iterations that may lead to lasting relationships.
  • Be happy. Perhaps the most important secret of this list is to be happy. Everyone wants to be around happy people; happiness is magnetic. So focus your energy on thinking about and doing the things that make you happy.
  • Searching for a life partner or soul mate? Get to know yourself first.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    The love of your life. Your soul mate. Your life partner. That special someone. Whether we admit it or not, many of us are seeking to find our perfect complement. We crave having someone by our side who will love us through our moments of imperfection, and share the memories of our lives with us. We’ve seen enough movies about it, so it must be possible, right?

    Love is no fairy tale, so you can stop looking for a perfect “10” who fulfills all the qualifications on your wish list. It is possible, however, to find someone to stand by your side, brave the messiness of the world, and help you experience life to its fullest potential.

    How do you set the foundation to attract this kind of love in your life? Here are 5 secrets to get you started:

    1. Be authentic. To find real love, you must first emphasize your true self. If you want someone to love you through your moments of imperfection, you must first be willing to do that for someone else. Be real with yourself, so you are ready for someone else’s authenticity.

    What really makes you happy? What do you really want out of life? It’s easy to get caught in a pattern of pleasing others, and doing what seems popular or “normal” at the time. If you shift your personality, passions, or purpose to appease another person, you are not being your true self. People are attracted to authenticity. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and learn to act and speak authentically.
    Be your best self. Though opposites can attract, you must first understand that “like attracts like.” You set the caliber for the individual you want to spend your life with. You wouldn’t look for a lethargic, gluttonous, stingy complainer with ketchup stains on their shirt, so identify ways to clean up your own act first.

    Do you want to spend your days with a healthy person who takes care of their body? Then lace up those sneakers and get to the gym yourself! Do you want to surround yourself with a person who sees the best in people and situations? Then stop complaining! Do you want to find someone who strives to live each day with grace, joy, purpose. and integrity? You get the idea. . .
    Be confident. Be confident in yourself, your decisions, and your ability to attract love into your life. If you are being your authentic, best self, this confidence will radiate from you in a glow of self-worth. You will attract someone who recognizes, appreciates, and loves who you are.

    Foster this confidence by knowing that you are whole and complete just by being you. Understand that a soul mate is nice to have, but not a must-have. You, alone, are enough.

  • Be open. If your desire is to meet someone new, then you must be willing to connect and open up with the people around you. If someone next to you in the coffee line strikes up a conversation, be willing to engage. Even if that person is not to be the love of your life, practice openness anyway. Developing this energy of openness will help you facilitate iterations that may lead to lasting relationships.
  • Be happy. Perhaps the most important secret of this list is to be happy. Everyone wants to be around happy people; happiness is magnetic. So focus your energy on thinking about and doing the things that make you happy.
  • A research-based guide to making for making good choices next time out.

    THE BASICS

    • Why Relationships Matter
    • Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    How do you find a new relationship? Whether you’ve been single for years or are only recently on the market, seeking out a compatible partner is not always easy.

    Researchers haven’t found a recipe for finding love, but some guidelines can help make the process more efficient. Consider the following points before setting out to find a partner. There are no guarantees in love, but a good start might help you move in the right direction.

    1. Do you know what you want? Are you looking for a hook-up or a spouse? Be honest with yourself and find ways to be consistent with your goal. We generally pursue short-term partners differently than we do long-term partners; the desired characteristics are different, too (Regan et al., 2000). In fact, whereas similar people tend to pair off for long-term relationships, opposites often attract for short-term flings (Amodio & Showers, 2005). This suggests that pursuing a short-term relationship as a way to find a long-term relationship isn’t necessarily a good idea.
    2. Are you really prepared to invest? Relationships that last require investment (Rusbult, 1980). That can mean money—dates can be expensive—but also emotional investment and investments of time and energy. With such personal investment comes risk, but being vulnerable and open is essential to fostering commitment and relationship stability.
    3. Do you know your value as a potential partner? Knowing how desirable others perceive you as a potential partner tends to be difficult, but agreeable women and sexually unrestricted men tend to be better at it (Back et al., 2011). If you’re not sure of how much you have to offer, taking a closer look could be worth it. An accurate assessment of your own mate value can help prevent wasted energy and streamline your search towards potentially interested partners.
    4. Have you given yourself a chance to grow? Scholars are familiar with the idea that social relationships help people grow, but recent evidence confirms that people don’t necessarily need a relationship context to experience considerable self-growth (Mattingly & Lewandowski, 2014). Try something new and you build a bigger self-concept—one that is more diverse, with more abilities, perspectives, skills, and beliefs. This may help you gain self-awareness to better navigate the dating field and could make you a more interesting prospect for potential partners.
    5. Are you ready to show your humor? People like funny people, even if that humor is quirky and silly. Witty, positive humor is particularly helpful for pursuing long-term relationships (DiDonato, Bedminster, & Machel, 2013), whereas sarcasm or jokes at the expense of others might lower your attractiveness towards long-term partners. Potential short-term partners, however, tend not to distinguish between humor types, which means you only need to pay attention to the kind of humor you’re using if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.
    6. Will you let your friends help? Friends can be incredibly helpful when you’re looking for love. They can break down approach barriers at social gatherings, making it easier for you to talk to an attractive person, or they can build barriers when you’re trying not to talk to someone who is attempting to connect with you (Ackerman & Kenrick, 2009). Get your friends on your side and let them be a part of your efforts to find love.
    7. Can you uphold high standards for a relationship? Some people are afraid of being single, and such fear is associated with staying in unsatisfying relationships and being OK with having a less responsive, or less attractive, partner (Spielmann et al., 2013). Being single, however, can be an empowering and rewarding experience. It might be wise to hold out for a relationship that meets your expectations and elevates you to have the experiences you deserve.

    It’s not easy navigating the dating game, but knowing a bit about yourself and what you want can help you make good choices. Good luck!

    Ackerman, J. M., & Kenrick, D. T. (2009). Cooperative courtship: Helping friends raise and raze relationship barriers. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 1285-1300.

    Amodio, D. M., & Showers, C. J. (2005). ‘Similarity breeds liking’ revisited: The moderating role of commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22, 817-836.

    Back, M. D., Penke, L., Schmukle, S. C., & Asendorpf, J. B. (2011). Knowing your own mate value sex-specific personality effects on the accuracy of expected mate choices. Psychological Science, 22, 984-989.

    DiDonato, T. E., Bedminster, M. C., & Machel, J. J. (2013). My funny valentine: How humor styles affect romantic interest. Personal Relationships, 20, 374-390.

    Mattingly, B. A., & Lewandowski, G. W. (2014). Expanding the self brick by brick: Nonrelational self-expansion and self-concept size. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5, 484-490.

    Regan, P. C., Levin, L., Sprecher, S., Christopher, F. S., & Gate, R. (2000). Partner preferences: What characteristics do men and women desire in their short-term sexual and long-term romantic partners? Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 12, 1-21.

    Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the investment model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16, 172-186.

    Spielmann, S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105, 1049-1073.

    Jay writes about communication and happiness on Lifehack. Read full profile

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

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    Most of us know that couples falling in love tend to relish spending time with one another, but have you ever wondered why some pairings result in lasting love, whereas others fizzle out quickly? Perhaps you have entered into a new relationship feeling optimistic that they could be “the one,” only for everything to fall apart within months?

    The key reason why it’s so hard to find lasting love is easy to understand once you know what happens in the opening stages of a relationship. In the early days, we are so infatuated with our partner that we can be literally blind to any problems or incompatibilities in our relationship. According to researchers at Loyola University, the rush of feel-good neurotransmitters and increased blood flow to the pleasure centers of the brain result in an obsessive fixation with one’s partner. Specifically, we tend to focus only on their good points. This is a great feeling, but it can impair rational judgement. [1]

    Although you might not want to bother analyzing your relationship in the early days, doing so will save you a lot of heartbreak later on. If you are serious about finding lasting love, you need to look beyond your feelings of infatuation. Don’t waste time with people who aren’t suitable for you, otherwise you will look back on lost years with regret and sadness. Take time to find someone who is a good fit for you, and you will be on your way to lasting love.

    Fortunately, there is a simple checklist of things to consider when embarking on a new relationship. Ask yourself the following questions, and answer honestly:

    Do they share my core values?

    It doesn’t matter how physically attractive your partner is if their values are incompatible with your own. For example, if you are a vegan with a passion for animal rights but your partner loves to eat steak and wear leather, you may have a problem. At some point, value clashes may mean that you start to aggravate one another.

    Is their attachment style compatible with my own?

    People have different ways of relating to one another. This is known as “attachment style,” and is largely formed by a person’s early experiences with their parents. A securely-attached individual enjoys being with their partner, but is also happy to spend time alone and does not worry excessively about the health of the relationship. Some people are avoidant and reluctant to commit. Others tend to be clingy and needy. Take a realistic look at you and your partner’s attachment styles and ask yourself whether the combination is likely to work out in the long run. [2]

    Are our life goals in alignment?

    If you both want very different things, you need to ask yourself whether the relationship is really worth the effort. It is possible to compromise in some situations, but it’s usually best to end a relationship if, in the early stages, you discover that your life goals are not a good fit. For example, if you want to buy a house and get married within five years but your partner plans on taking a career break to travel the world for a while, your life goals are not in alignment.

    Can we resolve conflict in a constructive manner?

    One mark of a good relationship is the ability to talk about touchy subjects in an open, non-threatening manner. [3] If you cannot talk to your partner about anything and everything without it descending into a slanging match, you probably aren’t going to develop lasting love. In the early stages of a relationship you may avoid conflict at all costs, but this cannot last forever. Everyone has fights, but couples who last the distance fight constructively.

    Do we trust one another?

    Trust is a key pillar for lasting love. Even if you share the same life goals, can talk through your issues and are well-matched in terms of core values, there is no hope of long-term love if you cannot trust one another. Pay attention from the beginning as to how your partner makes you feel. If you get an uneasy feeling or suspect that they are deceiving you, do not ignore your intuition.

    These questions might not be easy to answer, but in taking time to consider the issues they raise you are laying the foundation for finding and keeping a great relationship.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    Most of us crave deep intimacy and connection and Valentine’s Day tends to be a time when we’re reminded of our longing for true love.

    Whether we are in partnership or not, and even in the healthiest of relationships, we can experience a sense of something lacking, a feeling that there’s something deeper, truer or even someone better “out there.” Our minds can convince us that there is an ideal partner, and yet our experience shows us that even the “perfect” person begins to lose the luster of the “honeymoon stage”.

    Shortly thereafter, a background hum of dissatisfaction comes back and we find ourselves once again in a familiar and incessant search for the “right” one, the one that will put an end to our seeking.

    I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there that are a better fit for us, but focusing our attention on them keeps us just far enough away from what we’re really after, what we’ve been longing for all along.

    At some point in our lives, we’ve all experienced a feeling of wholeness, when everything else seemed to lose significance and we lost ourselves in the intimacy of the moment. Maybe this happened with a lover, a friend, a grandparent, a child, a pet or even a sunset.

    I invite you to try something with me now, a simple exercise:

    Take a moment to recall one of those memories where you felt so completely loved, seen, accepted and at peace with the world. Sit for a moment and let those old feelings emerge again, imagining as if you were right then and there. Take your time…can you feel them?

    Notice how these feelings can resurface and are available right now, even when whatever or whomever you attributed those feelings to are not currently with you. It is so easy to buy into the misconception that the love you experienced in a particular situation was because of what was happening or whom you were with. Yet if you slow things down to investigate and trace where the origins of these feelings came from, you will see that they have always come from within YOU.

    A situation or a person can certainly evoke these feelings, and while that’s beautiful, it is not something they gave you; it was awakened within you and reflected in them.

    For a moment, we temporarily suspended the world of duality as our ego gave way for this love to take center stage and we experienced the radiance of our true nature.

    The sense of incompleteness and dissatisfaction arises out of the misunderstanding that this love resides outside of ourselves and it sets us off in this chase to find completeness “out there.”

    Of course some people are more compatible for us to be with and will better support us in connecting with our natural state, but they have never been and never will be the ones who complete us.

    Once this longing for love is pointed inward, we are able to realize and embody it more consciously within ourselves and connect with the wholeness that is already present.

    We then enter into relationships from a space that is that is unconditional, that overflows, is generous and allows everyone to be as they are.

    We know someone didn’t give this love to us and therefore it cannot be taken away.

    This is one of the most liberating realizations we can experience in relationships, because it unshackles us from clinging to or seeking love in another.

    It enables us to love wholeheartedly and sets the stage for us to freely discover true love in each other.

    I used to be a couples therapist and want to share with you a Free Love Quiz that takes 15 minutes and will change the way you view relationships from now on! It can save you years of unnecessary relationship struggle.

    May you discover the deepest love this Valentines Day – that which is right here in your own heart – always available, open, vast, yet intimate. May you realize that the entire world IS your valentine…and YOU ARE the expression of It’s Love.

    By Helen Fisher

    I have a friend who met her husband at a red light. She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls. He was in another car with a crowd of boys. As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party. My friend spent the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one of the guys. Thirty-seven years later, they are still together.

    We are born to love. That feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embedded in our brains. But can it last? This was what my colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007. Led by Bianca Acevedo, PhD, our team asked this question of nearly everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still wild about their longtime spouse. Eventually we scanned the brains of 17 such people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart. Most were in their 50s and married an average of 21 years.

    The results were astonishing. Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to — at best — three years. Yet the brains of these middle-aged men and women showed much the same activity as those of young lovers, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of only seven months. Indeed, there was just one important difference between the two groups: Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.

    We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance — with one exception: the ability to sustain your “positive illusions.” Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I’ve seen this phenomenon, known as “love blindness,” in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all in college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn’t changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I’m not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But it’s worth celebrating one of nature’s best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.

    Earlier on HuffPost OWN: Moments That Can Make Or Break A Couple

    Whilst preparing for marriage, we tend to seek advice from parents, married friends or searching for endless blogs and articles on how to make a marriage last. Of course, there can never be a perfect relationship or marriage, but one thing that can happen is falling out of love or growing apart.

    Gary Chapman an author, speaker, and counselor who has a passion for people and helping them form lasting relationships looks into love deeper in his #1 New York Times Bestseller, The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts with over 10 million copies sold, I’m glad I was one of the lucky people to read it. It’s honestly the best book I’ve read about love, not only from a biblical perspective but from a point of view anyone can relate to – regardless of their beliefs.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    I was given this book for Christmas (thanks Mum) I started reading it as soon as I got it and I honestly couldn’t put it down. At first, I had never heard of the 5 love languages, a love tank, or done a quiz to find out my love language, or my fiance’s love language. But Chapman’s book is full of practical advice:

    When it comes to relationships it can be easy to get caught up in busy schedules and long days, expressing love can fall by the wayside. We forget to compliment, to give gifts “just because”, to linger in our embrace. The things that say “I love you” seem to either not get said or not get said enough. No gimmicks, no psychoanalyzing, just learning to express your love in your spouse’s language.

    Chapman dives into each love language with real-life stories from couples and includes powerful insights which will inspire anyone who reads it. Chapman heard from many married couples who felt they had lost love after decades of marriage, tried to found love or comfort with someone else, or couldn’t quite pinpoint what they were missing in their marriage. After hearing these similar stories for years, Chapman explains both children and adults have something called “love tanks.”

    Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible “emotional love tank” with its gauge on empty? Could the miserable behaviour, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we could find a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn?

    As Chapman says in his book even with all the help available from experts, why have so few couples found the secret to keeping love alive? Because everyone speaks a different love language! These 5 Love Languages below can help to keep your partner’s emotional love tank full so he/she can feel secure and reach their full potential.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    As I read more about the love languages I had a lot of “Aha!” moments, or wow that makes so much sense how did I never think of that? For example, when Chapman mentions nagging, which I’m sure many females can admit to (whoops), he points out verbal compliments are far bigger motivators than nagging words under the love language, Words of Affirmation:

    I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.

    But of course, if you want to find out more you’ll have to purchase the book! The book also has audio versions and e-books available.

    Following and applying the steps in this book will change your relationship or marriage forever. I know firsthand it’s helping my relationship so much which is exciting, especially preparing for marriage. It’s a book I can go back to again and again. If you or your fiance/husband/wife hasn’t read this book I highly recommend it.

    How to Find Out Your Love Language

    While each language is important a person will usually speak one love language, or find they mostly relate to two key languages. You can find out your love language by taking the Love Language profile quiz at the end of the book, on the website, or on the LoveNudge App below. When I took the quiz I already knew what my love language would be (I love cleaning!) I had a guess for my partner’s one before he did the quiz. By knowing each other’s love language our relationship has improved so much because it’s helped us understand and learn more about each other on an everyday basis but also for the long-term.

    LoveNudge App

    The LoveNudge App is like a fitness app but for couples! The app is a way to put the 5 Love Languages into action in daily life, it’s available on Apple Store and Google Play and it’s free. You can also take the love language quiz through the app and connect with your partner. Plus, you get to set goals that align with your partner’s Love Language where you can set daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly reminders for a goal. Last but not least you can send a nudge to your partner of an activity you want to do or find out how full their love tank is.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    My fiancé and I are really enjoying this app because males and females can often communicate differently about what they need or not at all. Or they drop hints thinking the other person will somehow figure it out. Then that’s where disagreements begin, “Why don’t you take me out for dinner more?” Or the classic, “Why don’t you help out with chores?” With the app, couples can give examples of goals they like under each Love Language or make their own custom goals. It’s a great app to help fulfill your partner’s needs and build healthy habits like giving a compliment, praise, encouraging texts, thanking your partner for everyday things. These things are so simple and seem easy but they can get lost, as Chapman says, with a busy schedule.

    Not everyone may think they need an app to give attention to their fiance or spouse and it comes down to preferences. I just see it as another fun way to spend time with my partner and we’re also trying it out for our pre-marriage course we’re currently doing through our Church, for marriage, and beyond!

    I recently stumbled across an intuitive and insightful book: Gary Chapman’s The 5 Languages ©: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

    In his book, Chapman breaks down how most people feel, identify, and relate to love. He was able to break these into five main categories. He assesses that if we identify our primary love language and that of our partner, we may learn to better communicate our love and affection in the manner the person desires for a more meaningful relationship.

    “Love is a universal way humans speak to one another. From a very early age, we show and receive love from the people in our lives. The love we receive (or lack thereof) and how it is expressed helps to shape us into the people we become as adults. Individuals that grow up without love and security typically grow up to have serious mental health, behavioral, interpersonal, and/or personality issues later in life. Love, truly, is one of the most important aspects of a healthy, happy life.

    Although we know love is critical, we don’t always know how to express it. Furthermore, we don’t always know how to express it in a way that the person receiving it knows that our intentions stem from a place of love. Some of the conflict with this, too, is due to the fact that we, ourselves, don’t always know what makes us feel most loved and/or how others can show us love. Expressing and receiving love is another form of communication in itself. We all respond to different forms of communication differently. What works for some may not work for others. Thankfully, Dr. Gary Chapman has developed the Five Love Languages, an easy way to break down how we each can communicate love to one another in a language that the receiver can understand.”

    I would say we’ve all had at least one relationship (or possibly several) where we felt we just didn’t “speak the same language” as our partners. Somehow, despite all the best intentions, our messages crossed or never seemed to land on understanding.

    Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and hurt feelings built up until the relationship was forced to end, not because of a lack of love, but because we and/or our partners were not feeling loved.

    To start, Gary Chapman asks you to determine your own love language by taking an assessment test and asking yourself these pertinent questions:

    >>> How do I express love to others?
    >>> What do I complain about the most?
    >>> What do I request the most often?

    The five love languages, as set forth by Dr. Chapman, are as follows:

    Words of Affirmation

    Positive verbal reinforcement. If this is your love language, you feel wonderful when someone gives you a genuine compliment. You may feel insecure without encouragement or regular expressions of approval. You feel loved when your partner expresses appreciation for the small things you do.

    Quality Time

    Periods where you have complete attention. If quality time is your primary love language, you feel neglected without time spent specifically focused on each other, or doing something together that you love to do. You enjoy sharing things you love with others, and feel special when someone else includes you in something they are passionate about.

    Receiving Gifts

    Physical or visual symbols of affection. If receiving gifts makes you feel loved, that does not mean you are superficial. Some people simply respond to tangible illustrations of the love in a relationship. Different from being a “gold digger”, someone who speaks this love language appreciates thoughtful, personal gifts, not necessarily dependent on price. A home-made card or tiny trinket can speak volumes, if well-chosen and suited to the recipient.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    Acts of Service

    Doing things for a loved one. If this is your dominant love language, you feel loved when someone goes out of their way to make things more pleasant or smooth for you. Examples include: doing chores, cooking dinner, taking care of something that would normally be your responsibility, chipping in without being asked. Most people can relate to this love language, though in very different ways, and it is extremely important to practice this love language out of genuine feeling, rather than duty, to avoid resentment.

    Physical Touch

    Bodily contact between people. Not restricted to sexual intercourse or intimacy, this love language encompasses all kinds of touch, from hugs to kisses to cuddling. Physical contact can be its own form of communication. If this is your love language, you need your partner to recognize what kinds of touch are pleasant and which are irritating, and focus on increasing the former and reducing the latter.

    With all the love languages, it is vital to remember that we each speak our own dialect. All of us can identify with more than one of these expressions of love or affection, though most of us do primarily respond best to one or another of them. We also tend to express love the way we would like to receive it, and if our partners do not communicate in the same love language as we do, this can create a lot of tension and dissatisfaction. Instead, concentrate on identifying your partner’s love language, and practice showing affection in ways they will better receive the message. After all, what we all really want is to feel seen and loved.

    I, personally, have found that I identify primarily with quality time and physical touch as the means in which I feel most loved. I crave affection from my lover. I need the intimacy, and this kind of intimacy can only be obtained with quality time. What have you found to be your primary love language? What is your partner’s?

    While some may be off-put that Gary Chapman is a minister, rest assured he does not push any religious beliefs in this particular book. I would highly recommend this book as a tool to grow your relationship and to find true fulfillment with your partner. The truth contained therein is surprisingly accurate.

    “ Without language, one cannot talk to people and understand them; one cannot share their hopes and aspirations, grasp their history, appreciate their poetry, or savour their songs. ”

    The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman.

    It’s got a mushy title and a purple book cover (with a heart on it), but I’ll let that slide since it holds the secrets to understanding and finding your partner’s love language as well as your own love language. The book states that people give and receive love in 5 different ways. Dr. Chapman expresses that it’s vitally important for us to be aware of how you and your partner both give and receive love. In short, if you’re not speaking your partner’s love language, they will feel unloved and the relationship will suffer. Even if you truly love them and you think you’re doing everything you can to show your love, you may be missing the mark completely. If they are not hearing your message, they may feel unloved.

    Everyone has a primary love language. They are:

    1 – Words of affirmation – Do you like hearing “I love you”, compliments, and meaningful words above all else? Are insults detrimental to your relationship standing?

    2 – Quality time – Do you value full and undivided attention above all else? Do you value one on one time (tv off, no distractions) more than anything? Canceled or postponed dates, and failure to listen are hurtful to this type.

    3 – Receiving gifts – Gifts to this type mean everything because it shows the love, thought, and effort that went into the gift (not the materialism or cost of the object, but it’s the thought that counts). Do missed birthdays, anniversaries, or thoughtless gifts tear you apart?

    4 – Acts of service – Chores around the house or errands that ease the burden of responsibility are the loving characteristics of this love language. Broken commitments and laziness can make these people feel unloved.

    5 – Physical touch – Do you love hugs, holding hands, and thoughtful touches the most? Is there physical presence crucial to you? Any kind of neglect or abuse would destroy this type of person.

    Which one do you most strongly identify with? Keep in mind, you can only choose one. Sure, we may like all of those things, but one of them should stick out as the most important. Really think about each one and imagine your partner doing each one of them and see how you feel. Take the at 5 love languages.com if you’re still not certain.

    How to find love that lasts someone who fulfils these 5 things

    Quick tips to help you figure out your love language:

    1 – Examine your childhood… how did your parents express their love to you? What made you feel loved? That may have translated to how you now express and receive it.

    2 – What’s your first instinct when you want to show someone that you love them? Trust your instinct.

    3 – How have you been deeply hurt in the past? What hurt the most? That can shed light on what your love language is.

    Now that you know your love language, think about these love languages from your partner’s perspective. Can you identify their love language? I highly suggest you ask them to take the quiz instead of assuming.

    Let’s go through a quick scenario – Let’s pretend you’re a gift giver because that’s how you were taught to show love or that’s just what makes you feel loved the most… you in turn get your partner gifts to show your love.. but if they speak the quality time love language, then you’re not showing them you love them in their way and they may feel unloved. You keep going on giving gifts thinking you’re doing your part, but your partner just grows more distant and bitter because they’re feeling unloved.

    Everyone is different and many of us don’t realize that we speak different love languages. Another example – let’s say your love language is acts of service, and you take out the trash as a loving gesture.. depending on their love language, your partner may not see it that way. What we think is an act of love may not be seen that way by your wife/husband/SO. So it’s vital that we learn and understand their love language if we want to make them feel loved.

    The goal is to speak your partners love language and fill up their love tank… like the gas tank in your car, you want to fill it up and keep it full.. when your tank is full, our lives run at their best… or you can run on fumes and eventually you will burn out.

    That’s it guys.. a real simple, but very powerful book. First thing you need to do is find out your partners love language.. Do not assume what it is! Then, make a commitment to do something special each week.. something that ties into their primary love language. If your relationship is already running on fumes, then it may take a while for their love tank to get full, but keep at it and over time, you will reap the rewards.