How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

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How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

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It’s no coincidence that media will turn to the childhood stories to seek out where things went wrong when a star has a meltdown. The explanation might just be the attachment theory. This could also be part of the reason your relationships as an adult are suffering today. Find out what it is exactly and how you can help yourself heal from it today.

The attachment theory is the emotional and physical attachment you experience with your mom or dad growing up. [1] It was John Bowlby who first coined the phrase after doing studies on brain development in children. The study showed that when you have a strong bond with one or both of your guardians, you’re mentally more sound. Attachment will connect certain behaviors kids have. This includes seeking out the attachment figure when they feel threatened or afraid. Bowlby studied disturbed children and found that children really do need their mother in particular.

When there is a disconnection at a young age, it causes problems in adult relationships.

You may have unrealistic expectations that cause relationships to break down. Maybe you’ve never thought about what happens within you when anxiety builds up over small things. You may be overly jealous and hate yourself for it. These feelings don’t allow you to have a sense of peace in your life. This problem with attachment, in theory, may cause you to look like the psycho girlfriend or the over protective boyfriend. It may be that you have never known what it feels like to belong to something or feel secure.

Whether a child feels secure plays an important role in how secure the adult feels.

Author Meghan Laslocky wrote a book about how to deal with heartbreak. [2] She attributed to knowing the ins and outs of the attachment theory. This helps you to understand where these needs come from. Once you know why you’re needing excess love, constant praise, and desperate for intimacy, you can start to move past it.

A child’s intimacy and sense of security with their primary caregiver will play an important role in how secure the adult feels in life.

There are various symptoms that come with a childhood where you weren’t given the proper love you needed.

Fear of intimacy might be one of the problems you have. You might avoid getting into a serious relationship so you don’t have to deal with the deep emotions that lie beneath.

You never learned to open your heart to someone and the brain tells you it’s unfamiliar. When the brain hasn’t dealt with an experience before, it will produce your fight or flight response.

There’s no need to endure childhood emotions in your adult relationships any longer. There are ways that you can combat your insecure feelings though. You will not only get in touch with your own heart but you can share love with other, without the fear that you might get hurt.

Seeing a therapist about the deepest hurt you have will allow you to unpeel all of those layers.

For so long, you have been covering up your feelings that built up through not feeling loved as a child. Researchers Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan found that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidance attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment. [3]

Seeing a therapist will help you uncover the pain that’s been sitting there for decades. This will allow the healing process to begin and you’ll be given tools to start rebuilding relationships.

There’re also more ways to fix your insecurity in any relationships.

If you believe that your relationships aren’t working because of your childhood experiences, there are some steps you can take.

  • Understand your attachment pattern by doing some research on attachment theory. There is plenty of information online from scientific to deeply emotional accounts. Find what resonates with you. Knowing what you’re dealing with will help you combat it.
  • Seek out friends and partners who exhibit secure attachment, this is the opposite of negative attachment styles. You don’t need a partner in crime full of their own emotional problems. Research has said that half of all adults have secure attachment. It’s believed that a positive experience with a person who is secure will help you deal with your insecurity.
  • If you’ve already fallen in love with someone, built a life, and both have similar issues with attachment, going to couples therapy might be helpful. If you can go through the journey of changing attachment patterns together, you can handle anything.
  • Staying relaxed is essential. With almost any type of therapy, the West has now recognized the need for calmness. The emotions that you experience as you uncover your childhood pain should include yoga and meditation. Centering yourself as you deal with emotional storms is a holistic means of powerful healing.

What you’ll get in return when you do heal is worth it.

Remember that secure attachment in your romantic relationships can extend to the rest of your life. Your interactions with the Starbucks barista can be more enriching. As you open your heart more naturally, you’ll gain more energy in your life.

If you boost your security, you become more generous and compassionate. That feels really good too. The more you give, the more secure you will become as well.

3. Keep your independence.

Posted September 30, 2016 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma


  • Why Relationships Matter
  • Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Key points

  • Self-doubt is normal, but chronic insecurity can sabotage one’s success and relationships.
  • Feelings of insecurity can stem from one’s parents or develop after being hurt or rejected by someone they care about.
  • Learning to silence one’s inner critic can go a long way toward reducing insecurity in relationships.

What ruins relationships and causes most fights is insecurity” — Olivia Wilde

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way. We’ve all felt it at one time or another. But while it’s quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and can be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships. Chronic insecurity robs you of your peace and prevents you from being able to engage with your partner in a relaxed and authentic way. The actions that come from insecurity—always asking for reassurance, jealousy, accusing, and snooping—erode trust, aren’t attractive, and can push a partner away.

While many people tend to think that insecurity comes from something their partner said or did, the reality is that most insecurity comes from inside ourselves. The feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents, or can develop after being hurt or rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are maintained and built upon when you negatively compare yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with critical inner dialogue. The majority of relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears—that you are not good enough, that you will not be OK without a partner, that you will never find anyone better, that you are not truly lovable.

When you start to notice that sinking feeling of insecurity, there are a few things you can do:

1. Take stock of your value

When you feel insecure, you are often focused on something you feel is lacking about you. In most well-matched relationships, each partner brings different qualities and strengths that complement the other. It is possible to be equals in different ways. To feel more secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have to offer to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful to offer something—personality characteristics are far more important to the overall quality of a relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person—you may be nice, trustworthy, funny, kind, or a good communicator. These are traits most people value in a partner. And think about how you make the other person’s life better: Do you make them feel loved, supported, and happy? These are things everyone wants to feel in a relationship, but many often don’t. Focus on what you offer instead of what you feel you lack; this will change your perspective. If the other person doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer, that’s his or her loss.

2. Build your self-esteem

Research shows that people with more relationship insecurity tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you aren’t feeling good about who you are on the inside, it is natural to want to look outside of yourself for validation. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from your partner is a losing situation for any relationship. When your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your power. A healthy partner won’t want to carry this kind of burden and it can push him or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.

Building your self-esteem isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Building self-confidence comes with experience, but there are two steps you can take that will rapidly improve how you feel about yourself. Learn to silence your inner critic and practice self-compassion, and retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you like instead of the ones you don’t like. (To learn how to silence your inner critic, click here. For a simple 30-day exercise that trains your attention to focus on your positive qualities, click here.)

3. Keep your independence

A healthy relationship is comprised of two healthy people. Becoming overly enmeshed in a relationship can lead to poor boundaries and a diffuse sense of your own needs. Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.

4. Trust in yourself

Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee. If finding this kind of trust in yourself seems very difficult on your own, you may wish to work with a professional who can help you learn how to do this.


  • Why Relationships Matter
  • Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

It’s important to remember that no one is perfect—we all come with some baggage. But it isn’t necessary to be perfect to be in a happy, healthy, and secure relationship. When you take your attention off of what other people think and keep the focus on yourself, you can’t help become a better, more secure version of yourself.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Do you find yourself fishing for compliments? Asking where your partner is going, even though you know the answer ? Badgering them for extra attention although you spent the entire day together? Maybe you repeatedly ask your spouse about spending time with a coworker who’s just a friend. All of these things are a result of insecurities in a relationship .

Many people feel jealous and insecure in their relationships , even if they are loved unconditionally by their partner. Whether you’re in a relatively new relationship or a decades-long marriage, here’s how to stop being insecure in a relationship .


What causes insecurity in a relationship?

If you feel insecure, it’s because you haven’t dealt with whatever is putting you in a negative state . This could be that your needs aren’t being met by your relationship, or it could have to do with something outside your union, like a lack of self-confidence or fear of the unknown. The important thing is to get to the root of the problem and solve it together.

1. Start with self-love

The core cause of insecurities in a relationship is often a lack of self-love. If one partner holds on to harmful limiting beliefs , like being afraid of failure or thinking that they don’t deserve love, they won’t be able to trust completely – and trust is the foundation of any relationship. To work on self-love, first identify and overcome your limiting beliefs. Learn to interrupt negative patterns of self-talk . Take steps to build your confidence and turn your life into a journey of discovery, not distrust and suspicion.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

2. Learn to communicate effectively

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Communication is key in all areas of life – and that’s especially true if you’re feeling insecure in a relationship . To really discover how to stop being insecure in a relationship , the best thing you can do is effectively communicate with your partner. How does your partner communicate? What’s their communication style ? You can talk things over repeatedly, but unless you’re truly connecting with your partner on their level, it will be challenging to resolve lingering issues.

3. Meet each other’s needs

Feeling insecure in a relationship is often a symptom that certain needs aren’t being met. There are six basic human needs that affect every single person on the planet. We all strive to feel certain that we can avoid pain and gain pleasure; we crave variety in life; we want to feel significant ; connection to others is essential and growth and contribution help us find fulfillment. Each person ranks these needs in a different way. Which one is most important to you? Is your relationship helping to fulfill this need? If not, how can you improve the relationship to feel more loved and supported?

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

4. Balance your polarity

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

In every relationship there is one partner with a masculine energy and another with feminine energy. These energies don’t have to align with genders, but opposing forces need to be present in order to find romantic harmony. This concept is called polarity . If you’re feeling insecure in a relationship , you and your partner may not be in balance. If both partners take on masculine or feminine traits, it can cause insecurities to arise. Look at how your roles have changed over time. How can you restore polarity and banish insecurity?

5. Act like you’re a new couple

When you start dating someone new, the energy is electrifying. You want to learn everything about your partner and be physically close to them whenever possible. Over time, this spark fades. As you become better acquainted with your partner, the fireworks you first felt start to fizzle. You become comfortable in your habits and stop trying to impress. Insecurities in a relationship can surface when your partner feels that you’re no longer making an effort or that your attraction is fading. Bring back the passion in your relationship and act like you did when you started dating. Compliment your partner. Plan surprising dates. Write them love notes. These small acts can reignite the passion and squash insecurities.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

6. Create new stories

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Mistakes are made in even the happiest relationships, but sustainable relationships are able to leave those mistakes in the past. What are you and your partner dealing with? No matter if you’ve previously fought over finances or flirtations, if you’re deciding to move forward as a couple then it’s time to leave those old stories behind. Instead of insisting that your partner always does something that irritates you, try shifting your mindset. Accept your partner for who they are and decide to create a beautiful new story together instead of reliving past pain , and you’ll learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship .

7. Stop overanalyzing

All of your insecurities in a relationship start in your own head. Your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your actions . When you let anxious thoughts spiral out of control, that’s when you lash out at your partner, become defensive or shut down. Stop these feelings before they start by learning to control your emotions . Keep your partner’s actions in perspective – everyone talks to the opposite sex, wants to go out with their friends and needs alone time once in a while. This doesn’t reflect badly on you. It means you’re in a normal, healthy relationship !

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Stop feeling insecure in a relationship once and for all

Discover ways to tackle the obstacles, including feelings of insecurity, in your relationship with the help of Tony Robbins’ digital Relationship Guide.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

In This Article

There are many important relationships one holds in their lifetime. We have the relationships we build with our families and then with our partners and children. Nevertheless, once we attend school and go off to work we build new relationships as well.

What causes insecurity and jealousy in a relationship?

It is important to build relationships, but it is also very important to have strong boundaries. Without personal boundaries, breach of trust and insecurties abound.

Insecurity in a relationship is a reflection of a person’s unstable emotional state of mind and a nagging fear of compromising the status of their relationship.

Can insecurities ruin a relationship?

Insecurity in a relationship strains the bond of love and the relationship soon becomes rife with anxiety and misunderstanding.

This begs the question, what causes insecurity in a relationship?

Often growing up children who witness parental infidelity end up looking at their parent’s conflicted relationship as a template for all their future relationships and being being cheated on.

Insecurity in a relationship can also be a confluence of other factors such as lack of self-confidence, unhealthy attachment style with their partner, or a neglectful childhood affflicted with unresponsive parents.

How to overcome insecurity in a relationship?

To stop being insecure in a relationship and dating smoothly, it is important to first understand how to express insecurity in a relationship. First , you must learn to broadcast your vulnerabilities without fearing other people’s judgment. Stop psyching yourself out by thniking that your partners would perceive you as an insecure person.

Bring up even the most uncomfortable conversation, without being accusatory. Remind yourself and your partner that when you can tell them anything that comes on your mind, you are in the process, building trust in relationship. Also, choose the most opportune time to air your thoughts.

How do you fix insecurity with noone to lean on?

How do you fix insecurity if you don’t have your partner to lean on, confide at all times? Stop being dependent on your spouse and learn to first pick the pieces of your wrecked state of mind all by yourself. This will reduce a lot of relationship stress and enhance relationship satisfaction.

As human beings, we need our personal space and need to be clear with our boundaries. The relationships we hold with our family members have a comfort zone where we can share what is okay and what is not acceptable. When we form relationships with friends, peers, coworkers, and colleagues it can get tricky.

Crossing major boundaries has its repercussions

Recently I became aware of some relationship issues a close family member of mine was facing.

This family member shared that she was not happy with the relationship her husband and his boss had formed. She stated that she was feeling insecure and doubting things with her husband. I asked her what was wrong with the relationship her husband and boss were forming.

She shared that her husbands’ boss would text her husband after hours and call him to vent about her personal life to him. It was as if he was her own personal therapist!

I was shocked at how this employer was crossing major boundaries with one of her employees. Nevertheless, this was also something that the employee had not stopped. My close family member shared she had tried to explain to her husband how this was wrong on so many levels, but he would brush it off.

Lack of discretion in professional relationships

She stated that she was feeling as if he would be capable of having an affair and this was causing issues in their marriage. This was a major issue; would anyone be okay with this. I know that if it was the other way around the husband would not be okay with this. This is exactly what I was referring to having clear boundaries.

It appears that from the beginning there were no boundaries, from both parties. The employer should have never contacted the employee regarding her personal life and the employee should have told the employer this was not part of his work duties.

This past weekend my close family member shared that she had had enough and had gone off on her husband. She was so frustrated with her husband and his boss that she told him everything she felt. She stated she felt guilty after but hoped it would help. However, she stated that she was also in fear thinking that this might cause her husband to keep things from her regarding the calls and texts from his boss.

To make things worse social media does not help

Not only are there calls and texts, but then comes the likes and posts on social media that involve the employer and employee. How can this be resolved? Is it possible to trust your significant other with a boss like that? Has anyone ever had any similar experiences?

Hi , so glad to be in touch with you in this series . Today, it’s all about various relationships and the insecurities involved.

The level of seriousness and the way of approaching it to remove these insecurities depends on the relationship concerned.

But first, before we jump ahead – find the true satisfaction!
My answer is always the same – human heart’s true satisfaction is found in an intimate and honest relationship with Jesus!

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.

Psalms 73:25 NKJV

The sooner we realize like the psalmist that we have only the Heavenly Father who can truly satisfy and fill you , the better we beat every insecurity in life !

Now, each category I mention below is unique and must be dealt differently, there are genuine issues and others need change of attitude.
So, let’s see one by one:

Insecurity in Marriage!

Well, this is for the married ones and to greater extent a genuine one. First, figure out the cause of being insecure.

If it is because of your spouse’s behavior, it’s so unfortunate that you have to go through this. But, here’s a good news ! God is on your side and just look at the Words of Jesus :- “But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Yes, Jesus honours this marriage above anything in the world. This phase of your life is to make you stronger and to be a prayer warrior for your spouse. Do it with faith and do it with love. Bad days will pass and blessed days will shower on you.

If the insecurity in the marriage is because of some other person. Don’t worry again. Just be sober and prayerful. If you read, Genesis 20th chapter, you will see that The LORD rebuked a king not to touch someone else’ wife. He is the same God and He will do the same. Never loose your dignity and peace. But, all these are to train you to be great prayer warrior against the devil.

Insecurity in an Engaged Relationship!

This is for the couple who are soon going to be married. The wise thing is always to trust. But, if you are facing Insecurity, slow down. Reevaluate your position. Pray much, take the wise counsel and address the issue to the person. I believe it is better not to regret instead of marrying a wrong person. If you feel threatened, there is a serious red flag. A person must know to honor the LORD by not flirting and staying reserved till marriage. If one wouldn’t do this on their own, marriage will not change the person just like that. Fear of the LORD must be your key to accept any close relationship! I strongly believe, that you do not need a troublesome marriage in future. Peace is a sign my dear friend!

Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.

Proverbs 4:5‭-‬7 NKJV

Insecurity among general friends!

And now this is also an issue faced by a lot these days. If someone belittles you and makes you feel less than your capacity constantly, then for your own safety stay away from toxic people. We always need people who give constructive feedback and with genuine care but not someone who crush you with words.

What about insecurity in you regarding a friend being with another friend ? Sorry to say this, that’s not a genuine insecurity. We all go through this, but world doesn’t revolve around us. We must never cling to someone so much that they can’t find new people. No one must feel obligated with us. We are on a mission as God’s children. Each one must be a blessing to as many as possible. Whenever our focus is concentrated on one person, we are in a danger of idolatry of heart. Have balance in every area. Go to your favorite places of work and you will make new friends but with a mission in your heart. Even if someone talks to you for a second, let them carry Heaven’s mercies and leave you !

All that we have to do is sit down and evaluate our thought process. See if there is genuine insecurity. Pray and do what needs to be done. Change any wrong attitude and fly like happy birds in life !

Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 NKJV

God bless you!
You are special and you carry a beautiful purpose!

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

In today’s article, I am going to explore the reasons behind why these insecurities develop, so that we can then explore the solutions available to you. I know that insecurities can keep you up all night and really make you feel uneasy in the relationship, and the problem with this is that your significant other will pick up on this and might start to pull away. Unfortunately, this often happens without you realizing what’s going on, and then suddenly the relationship is suffering. So let’s take a look at how to pinpoint the root of the problem so that we can figure out how to overcome insecurity once and for all!

What causes insecurity in a relationship: The root problem

One of the keys to building a solid relationship that will withstand the test of time is confidence. Without confidence, we start to seek constant reassurance from our partner and we start to flirt with emotional dependency, which is actually one of the biggest relationship killers.

When you start to become emotionally dependent on someone, you start to lose track of your own life and you begin to depend on your partner for your happiness. This places an inappropriate amount of pressure on their shoulders for something that should not be their responsibility, and this is when tensions begin to rise. The more you seek reassurance, the more they pull away because they’re feeling suffocated, and the more they pull away, the more insecure you feel. It becomes a downward spiral that can leave a significant amount of damage.

I have been a love and relationship coach for many years now, and I have taken note of some patterns in the people that come to me for help with figuring out the causes of insecurity. For many of them, there is a something specific that happened at one point (or multiple times) in their past.

This can be the lack of love from a parent or an important family member, it can be infidelity in a previous relationship, it can be broken trust in the current relationship, or it could just be that they were raised in a way that made them feel distrustful of partners. It can be any combination of factors like these. So if someone you loved cheated on you, or if you saw deception and experienced disappointment in how your parents treated each other, or even if something happened that made you feel betrayed in your past, it would not be shocking that you would be experiencing insecurity in your relationship.

One of the keys to building a solid relationship that will withstand the test of time is confidence. Without confidence, we start to seek constant reassurance from our partner and we start to flirt with emotional dependency, which is actually one of the biggest relationship killers.

When you start to become emotionally dependent on someone, you start to lose track of your own life and you begin to depend on your partner for your happiness. This places an inappropriate amount of pressure on their shoulders for something that should not be their responsibility, and this is when tensions begin to rise. The more you seek reassurance, the more they pull away because they’re feeling suffocated, and the more they pull away, the more insecure you feel. It becomes a downward spiral that can leave a significant amount of damage.

I have been a love and relationship coach for many years now, and I have taken note of some patterns in the people that come to me for help with figuring out the causes of insecurity. For many of them, there is a something specific that happened at one point (or multiple times) in their past.

This can be the lack of love from a parent or an important family member, it can be infidelity in a previous relationship, it can be broken trust in the current relationship, or it could just be that they were raised in a way that made them feel distrustful of partners. It can be any combination of factors like these. So if someone you loved cheated on you, or if you saw deception and experienced disappointment in how your parents treated each other, or even if something happened that made you feel betrayed in your past, it would not be shocking that you would be experiencing insecurity in your relationship.

How to Stop Attachment Insecurity from Ruining Your Love Life

Do you have commitment, trust, and attachment issues? Science helped Meghan Laslocky—and it just might help you, too.

Readers of my book on heartbreak often ask me what aspect of it had the most profound effect on me personally. My answer is always that becoming familiar with the ins and outs of attachment theory has, quite simply, changed my life.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Attachment theory was spawned by the work of John Bowlby, who was the first psychologist to put forth the idea that underpins much of today’s psychotherapy: that a child’s intimacy and sense of security with his or her primary caregiver plays a crucial role in how secure that child will be as an adult. Over time, psychologists have further refined this idea to argue that early childhood attachment patterns predict adult attachment styles in romantic relationships later in life.

While the exact terminology can vary depending upon which expert one consults, adult attachment styles generally come in four flavors:

  • Secure: “Being close is easy!”
  • Anxious-preoccupied: “I want to be emotionally intimate with people, but they don’t want to be with me!”
  • Dismissive-avoidant: “I’d rather not depend on others or have others depend on me!”
  • Fearful-avoidant: “I want to be close, but what if I get hurt?”

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

The last three of these fall into a mega-category known as “attachment insecurity.” The avoidance and anxiety that go along with most attachment insecurity are undoubtedly key themes that many of us in therapy wrestle with, week after week, and sometimes year after year.

Getting over it

I am, or at least was, a textbook, or perhaps even extreme, case of anxious and avoidant. For years, I was so crippled by fear of intimate relationships that I didn’t have anything even close to a boyfriend until I was 28. Even then, it took another eight years for me to pull off having a long-term, serious relationship, much as I wanted one.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

There are a lot of things that explained this rather debilitating immaturity (depression, trauma, and a bevy of neuroses, not to mention misguided stubbornness and pride), but the only thing that explains how I got over it and ultimately became a wife and mother (and the author of an entire book on heartbreak) was the patience and care of a truly gifted therapist—that and medication that treated my depression and social anxiety.

And while I know I still have a long way to go—intimacy still be a battle for me, as those who are close to me will attest—just having acquainted myself with my attachment style and made the progress I’ve made thus far fortifies me for all the work I have yet to do.

But I also find it incredibly comforting that just as I was a textbook case for anxious and avoidant when it came to my intimate relationships, I’m now a textbook case for someone who has, more or less, gotten over it.

You see, research in attachment theory is pointing in a thrilling direction: that just because an individual is, as an adult, suffering from attachment issues that negatively affect their romantic relationships, that doesn’t mean they will forever.

Five ways to overcome attachment insecurity

If you think you’re insecurely attached, and it’s having a negative impact on your love life, here are a few common sense steps you can take to make the transition to secure attachment:

  • Get to know your attachment pattern by reading up on attachment theory. I don’t care if it’s through Wikipedia, an academic article like “Attachment Bonds in Romantic Relationships,” or immersion in a book like Attached, by Amir Levin and Rachel S.F. Heller, a psychiatrist and a neuroscientist respectively. Trust me: Knowledge is power.
  • If you don’t already have a great therapist with expertise in attachment theory, find one. It might even be worth asking if they’ve ever had a patient or client who they’ve seen make the leap from insecure to secure attachment in their adult romantic relationships.
  • Seek out partners with secure attachment styles. The last thing you need if you’re trying to overhaul your attachment style is to be undermined by someone who can’t support you. Research indicates that about 50 percent of adults are secure in their attachment style—pretty good odds for finding someone out there who rocks your world AND is secure. Studies suggest that a positive experience with a securely attached person can, in time, override your insecure impulses.
  • If you didn’t find such a partner, go to couples therapy. If you’re, say, anxious-preoccupied and you’re already in a loving relationship with, say, someone who is fearful-avoidant, I’d advise finding a couples therapist who can help both of you become more secure, together. Even if you feel like your relationship is going great, consider taking this step as a pre-emptive strike against trouble.
  • Practice. Pillow talk just isn’t your thing? Make yourself do it, even if you have to start by talking to a stuffed animal. Hate talking about the future of your relationship? Try talking about the next few months of your relationship if you can’t handle talking about the next few years.

It’s important to keep in mind as well that secure attachment in intimate relationships doesn’t just make those relationships more fulfilling; there’s evidence that it can make interactions with even those you’re not close with richer.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Research indicates that “boosting” one’s security in any fashion (“security priming” in psychology circles) makes people more generous and compassionate overall. This study by leading attachment researchers indicates that “the sense of attachment security, whether established in a person’s long-term relationship history or nudged upwards by subliminal or supraliminal priming, makes altruistic caregiving more likely.”

My sense is that for those attempting to upgrade their attachment style from insecure to secure, it is, as the saying goes, just like riding a bike: Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Over time you can still challenge yourself to become a “better biker”—a stronger one, a faster one, a more agile one—but once you’ve mastered looking ahead and pedaling at the same time, you are forever good to go.

It’s surprisingly common, even during the darkest of times.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

It can be immensely troubling when you feel insecure about yourself. Throw in a relationship into the mix, and suddenly the problem is a thousand-fold.

As an aspiring therapist, I’ve seen a lot already, but insecurity is a lot more common than we think.

For example, in relationships, our insecurities may be heightened, even if it is not immediately obvious to the outsider. Our behaviours don’t exist in a vacuum and may fluctuate depending on the mixture of forces within you and outside of you.

Just remember, in a relationship, it takes two people to make it work. If your partner is there by your side, they love you, just as you love them. You deserve that love just as much as anyone else.

What a lot of people don’t realize is that insecurity is a lot more common than we think. Even if it’s unhealthy behaviour, it just means that you’re dealing with a lot of uncertainty especially as you explore the various milestones associated with your relationship.

Once you build that foundational network through experience and time, you will be able to collaboratively lay out the rules and norms set in the relationship.

Often, we worry about not meeting up to the needs of our partners. On the upside, this is a collaborative partnership. Perhaps they have backed you up in the past. Therefore, there’s proof that can continue supporting you.

If you are worried about something like this, you can let them know, and have a conversation about it. It’s better to let it out in the open than to keep it inside, where it will continue to warp your sense of perception.

The other hope is that if your partner is feeling the same, they can let you know about their insecurities too.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Mutual attraction is typically a given, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship where the romantic flames are roaring. As the years go by, people may get more comfortable with their bodies and spend more time showing some of the sides of themselves that they wouldn’t share with others.

The worry is that when we do this, our partners will find ourselves less attractive. However, true love generally prevails, and there will always be something about you that is still attractive to your partner (hence them still being there).

Sometimes, when people are insecure in a relationship, it could be correlated to one’s physical or mental health history. For example, perhaps you have a recurring history of chronic pain.

Alternatively, it could even be an underlying sign of previous traumas, that have spiraled into an untapped bout of anxiety or depression. Perhaps you’re insecure because you were previously dumped by someone and you’re worried that the same will happen again.

Just remember that your partner chose you, and no one else. Your current partner is not the same person as your ex-partner.

Check to see if there is a pattern to when you felt last insecure. Perhaps you only feel insecure at certain times of the day and especially after a long day at work. When in doubt, try to map it out and even brainstorm about it with your partner.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

While it is daunting to bring up insecurity in a conversation, this is your partner that you’re talking about and you’re in it for the long haul. Your relationship is the most impactful investment that you will make in your entire life.

Let that sink in.

Keeping things inside will only make the situation worse, so you will have to find the strength within you to talk about serious things with them. If not know, then it will eventually come out in the form of an argument, which is probably a bad time to bring it up.

Instead, just approach it as how you would other things.

“Honey, I wanted to explore this issue of insecurity. I worry that I am not keeping up with the pace of the relationship. I don’t know why I think like this but this is how I feel. What do you think?”

Even though you are in a relationship, you are not just a partner, you are your own person. Recognizing and accepting that are you worthy of being heard will be a journey, but it can help instill some self-confidence.

While you are in a relationship, the way you convey yourself is different from how you are on your own. At least you are learning to navigate the complexities of being surrounded by others, accumulating wisdom in your wake.

Once you feel better about your own self, then it will be much easier for your partner to appreciate and see the bigger picture. If you cannot accept yourself, it will be harder to for others to see what you don’t see.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Trust is the key ingredient against insecurity. If you have too much insecurity, it may affect your ability to trust your partner and your partner’s judgement, even if they haven’t necessarily done anything wrong.

If you trust the process, you will learn to gradually accept that your partner does things because they simply love you. Simple trust-building activities like cooking a meal together, or walking the dog together can help foster that trust-like behaviour.

Just make sure to keep these trust-building activities a habit and when your insecurities flare up, remind yourself of those positive memories you’ve had so far.

While small bouts of insecurity can be common, there are times where a lot of it can be particularly problematic. If it persists to the extent that it actually harms you or others, it may be best to seek a long-term professional about it.

Think of professional help as a neutral and unbiased source of moral support. They won’t gossip behind your back and they will be there to provide different insights, challenge you, and encourage you.

If you are insecure, it is possible to cultivate that trust once more.

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

In conclusion, relationships can breed or bring out one’s insecurity, but it is surprisingly common, can cause us to overextend ourselves, can change our self-attraction, could be tied to other health issues, is worth talking about, is not reflective of your personal worth, and many more. To top it off, trust is the key ingredient to combat potential insecurity and if it is really harming you, then it’s okay to seek impartial professional support.

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

Dating an insecure man can put a weight on your relationship. Not only does he feel uneasy, it can make you, his partner, feel frustrated and exhausted. A lot of people go into relationships carrying some emotional baggage and inadvertently make their partners pay the price for it. I work with people struggling with these types of situations every single day, so I know how difficult it can be.

That is why I wanted to write this article for you today on what to do if you’re dating an insecure man. In the first part of this article, I will be going over the signs that indicate that your man is in fact insecure in himself and in your relationship, and then I’ll explore how to fix this situation with you.

Relationships will always have their ups and downs, and it’s unrealistic to think that you’ll never have to face any challenges with the one you love. But you’ve already gone out of your way to do some research on how to protect your relationship from the challenges that it’s facing, so you’re on the right track! Proactivity and motivation are two of the biggest keys needed to protect and save a relationship, so hats off to you. This is the kind of attitude that will give your relationship even more longevity.

What it’s like to be dating an insecure man

When a person is insecure in their relationship with the one they love, it’s usually because there is a lack of trust. Whether that lack trust comes from something traumatic and painful that happened in their past, or if it stems from a lack of self confidence, it can have a sizable effect on a person’s relationship.

It can cause them to be clingy and needy, to mistrust their partners and it can even cause fights that are quite unnecessary. So building trust can sound like a daunting task that is going to require a huge amount of patience and, to be honest, it most certainly does require patients. Building trust between you and your significant other takes time and effort, but I witness clients doing it every single day.

This brings my client, Gary, to mind. I was able to start working with him at the very beginning of his relationship. All of his previous ones had fallen apart because he struggled so much with trust, but this time we wanted to do things differently. As we worked together, we were able to identify the important qualities that create trust, like managing his insecurities, spending time that he devoted to his projects and goals, and making sure that his partner felt heard and understood by him. Over the months and with a lot of hard work, he has been able to develop the most solid relationship he’s ever had. They’re still happily together to this day, and neither of them feels that their relationship lacks trust.

So you can achieve this with your partner, too, just like Gary did.

How to handle dating an insecure man

Before we dive any deeper, let’s go over the signs of an insecure man. The clearer idea you have of the situation at hand, the better.

So, when a man is insecure, he’s typically going to jump to conclusions and think the worst about what you’re up to when he’s not around. You might just be with your girlfriends but he automatically assumes that you’re doing something unsavory behind his back. He might constantly text you to see what you’re doing and who you’re with, but you can still tell that he’s not 100% convinced that you’re telling the truth.

Insecure men might even check your phone to see who you’ve been talking with and what you’ve been saying. You may have also noticed that he just doesn’t believe you, and he doesn’t trust you. I’ve also worked with women who explained to me that their partners actually demand to have their social media passwords so that they can browse through their messages…

Boundaries are important in relationships, and trust is the root of healthy boundaries.

Now, an insecure man will also struggle with believing that they can be loved without being hurt. This typically happens to people who were hurt by someone they loved in the past, whether it was a romantic partner or a close family member. You might notice that he questions his worthiness in your relationship. This is hard because you feel like you’re trying to convince him of your love, but it’s somehow not enough. Don’t worry if this is how you’re feeling right now, because I want to go over some remedies with you.

Updated on February 17, 2021 by Charm Villalon 9 Comments

How to fix the insecurity in any relationships

There are times when even when you think you have found the love of your life, you still don’t feel that you are not good enough. Sometimes, you even feel these bouts of insecurities that not only trigger an argument between you and your significant other but also affect your self-esteem.

Insecurities in a relationship are often experienced by people who are not really aware of their value as a person, as a lover and as a life companion. However, there are things and practices that can help anyone suffering from this negative wave of emotion through following and believing in different ways to overcome uncertainties, especially in romantic relationships.

So what are the steps that you should take in order to feel more secure in your relationship? Here they are.

1. Stop comparing yourself to other people.
Especially with your significant other’s former lovers. It’s one of the causes of fights among couples and although it can be normal and sometimes reasonable, there are others who always find a way to make it an issue even if the triggers are nowhere in sight.

Insecurity and jealousy are a lethal combination and how couples solve the issues that come with this combo can either make or break the relationship.

2. Start appreciating your own uniqueness.
You’re different and you’re not like anyone else. Remember that. However, some people fail to appreciate the good things about them and they often have the tendency to hate themselves just because they don’t feel that they are special. This is another sign of insecurity and it’s the most common one.

The best way to overcome this self-hate is to realize that there are people who truly appreciate your mere existence. Secondly and more importantly, you have someone by your side who loves you just as you are.

3. Don’t be scared to ask the right questions.
One of the roots of insecurity has something to do with the truth, the answers that we are too afraid to hear from the questions that we won’t even dare to ask – because of lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Sometimes, the need to know the truth about the things that define us as a person and as a lover can cause uncertainty, anxiety, and often lead to overthinking.

4. Build your confidence.
Occasionally, the root cause of insecurities isn’t about what someone doesn’t have but their inability to see what’s already in front of them: their talents and their own goodness that were the reasons why someone fell in love with them in the first place. So what’s the only way to cure this ‘blindness’? Be confident.

Believe in yourself and let confidence scare those insecurities away. How? There are different ways to be confident and proud of who and what you are. All you have to do is to have the willingness to open your eyes.

5. Trust people more.
Another cause of insecurity is our failure to trust others because of past experiences that led us to believe that you cannot rely on anyone but ourselves. Let those go and be open to new people in your life, build your circle and be with your crowd.

Stop building those walls thinking that it would protect you from the cruelty of the outside world. Instead, open more doors, open more windows so that the light of others can brighten up your life.

6. Find out what’s really bothering you.
We have mentioned several root causes of insecurity especially for people in a relationship. However, most of the more specific reasons why a person may feel insecure really depend on a variety of factors.

Find out what’s really bothering you. Find out the triggers, the things and events that can cause you to feel these negativities. In other words, know yourself better, especially the bad parts.

7. Accept the things that you can’t change.
Don’t grieve over the things that you can never get back, the realities that you cannot change in your relationship. One of the causes of insecurities is our failure to realize that the challenges that we see and experience with our significant other are part of life. However, you can still make it better.

Start with how you see yourself and how you react to uncertainties, events and experiences that come your way. Do you respond in anger? Do you dwell in anxiety? Or do you accept them with a kind of maturity that can help you cope and survive?

8. Change your attitude towards life and people.
In relation to the previous section, if you think that nothing is changing and you still feel that emptiness and discontent in your relationship, maybe all you need is a change of perspective? As the famous saying goes, if you don’t like your reality, change it; if it doesn’t work, change your attitude.

We understand that it’s easier said than done but we all have to start somewhere, right? Do it now.

9. Find your strengths and develop them.
Instead of focusing on the bad and the negative, find something in you that you can develop and draw strength from. For instance, you can try to figure out what makes you happy as a person, as a partner to your significant other, or as a friend to your circle.

Realize the good things about you through these people who genuinely care about you. They are your permanent source of strength. Keep them close.

10. Value the people around you.
Speaking of having your loved ones and friends around to help you rediscover the good things about yourself, it’s important that you should remember to do the same for them. Value them by showing how you care and why they matter to you.

People who give love and who are loved in return never fall victim to the damning gloom of insecurity. They know what they’re worth and even if they don’t feel their best, they trust that the ones they love will be there to make them remember how special they are.

11. Love yourself.
Last but not the least, always love yourself. Even if you are in a romantic relationship where you are expected to give love, never forget to leave some for yourself.

Remember to never let the good things pass you by just because you have failed to appreciate your own worth. The feeling of insecurities and the negativities that come with it are common relationship killers. Do something before it’s too late.

Online courses recommended for you:

  • Relationship Coaching: Transform Problems into Growth & Love:
    Develop true love & greater intimacy & a relationship growth mindset, stop destructive conflicts, find meaning & purpose.
  • Love & Connection: The Science of Successful Relationships:
    This course will show you how to examine the unknown path that you’ll travel with your spouse, and carefully evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.